Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
