What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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