tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
