I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
if only i could text you this smell
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
