At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
