you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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