it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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