I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
