He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
50% drunk capacity currently
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
