I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
