In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
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