apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
