Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
