you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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