you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I stole a fireplace last night.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
