Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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