Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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