What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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