Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
