is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Randomize
