I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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