Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
MIDGETS
????
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
