i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
