I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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