He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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