I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
