I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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