Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
