Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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