I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
