What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
