you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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