I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
