My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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