i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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