You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
