I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
