Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
