idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
