just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
They took my balls.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
