this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
