I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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