This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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