is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
