the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
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