me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
