Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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