I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
