I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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