What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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